Couples therapist decodes what your sex dreams really mean

From sleeping with your boss to getting frisky with a friend: Therapist decodes what your sex dreams really mean

  • A UK couples counsellor revealed the meaning behind your sexual dreams
  • Being intimate with your boss often indicates a desire to progress in your career
  • Cheating signifies insecurity while sex with a friend shows admiration for them
  • Australian expert Martina Kocian also spoke to FEMAIL about hidden symbols
  • Ms Kocian believes every dream contains a message to help us improve our life 

Having a sex dream is widely common and deeply thought-provoking, especially if it involves a colleague or close friend.

But while sleeping with someone in your subconscious can be disturbing, the reason behind such salacious slumber-time activity can be more innocent than you might expect.

Hilda Burke, a UK-based couples counsellor and author, and Australian dream therapist Martina Kocian, have spoken about the deeper meaning behind different forms of sexual dreams.

Having a sex dream is both widely common and deeply thought-provoking, especially if it involves someone you know who you are not in a romantic relationship with (stock image)

According to the relationship expert, dream-side sexual intimacy symbolises different issues depending on who your fantasy partner is.

Although the vast majority of us aren’t on first name terms with the rich and famous, slipping between the sheets with a celebrity is often indicative of the qualities we are really looking for in a partner.

‘Most of us have an instinctive feel about celebrities…we imagine them to be a certain way,’ Ms Burke told Cosmopolitan, adding it is these presumed qualities which we find attractive.

Sex with your boss can be a truly disconcerting experience and is likely to make morning conferences quite uncomfortable for the dreamer.

But Ms Burke said this type of erotic dreaming is more connected with your career ambitions and professional aspirations than an irrational infatuation with your superior. 

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Having sex with a friend is a common dream sure to rattle even the most level-headed individual.

Ms Burke said these dreams can be prompts from your subconscious to re-evaluate platonic relationships – while the person may not be your usual type, it can be interesting to ask yourself what this fantasy might represent.

A commonly held belief among the dream community is that sex with friends signifies a wish to take on the traits or talents of the person in question.

This is particularly true of saucy dreams with a gender you are not attracted to in waking life.

Likewise, cheating on your partner can indicate an interest in the object of your desires’ good personal qualities, while being cheated on is more straightforward and can suggest insecurities or trust issues in your relationship.

Martina Kocian (pictured) is a dream interpreter and therapist who splits her time between Sydney and Brisbane

Even if our night time escapades don’t involve getting hot and heavy between the sheets, waking from any sort of vivid dream can provoke a range of emotions depending on what the subconscious has experienced during sleep. 

According to Martina Kocian, the four most common dreams involve falling, being chased, sex and your teeth falling out.

Ms Kocian revealed that dreaming of teeth falling out or losing them in an accident is often symbolic of anxiety towards change or a major transition. Death inside a dream, whether involving a loved one or unknown person, also signifies an resistance to huge change in life.

In a similar vein, being chased is a sign that you are running away from or avoiding addressing an issue in your life. Being chased can also be a symbol of guilt.

Falling from a height generally highlights a lack of control in a person’s waking life. 

‘Water related dreams represent the state of our emotions,’ she said.

‘For example, are you dreaming of crashing tsunamis or calm waters? These dreams are a good indication of where we are at psychologically and mentally during our waking hours.’ 


* Water: Water related dreams represent emotions and can indicate you feel overwhelmed or unsupported in some aspect of your life.

 * Transport: Dreaming about vehicles or transportation systems usually means you are concerned about the direction your life is taking.

* Feeling trapped: Being trapped in a confined space signifies the need for a fresh outlook or change, but this can be minor and easily fixed by something like going for a rejuvenating weekend away.

* Losing your teeth: Teeth falling out is related to repressed feelings or a sense of losing control.

* Being chased: This almost always means feeling stressed or under pressure.

* Monsters or evil looking creatures: Demons are an indication that you’d like to change certain aspects of yourself.

* Money: This is a symbol of self-worth and how much you truly value yourself.

* Sex: Sleeping with someone inside a dream usually means you have a desire for more sex (or better sex) with your current partner, not necessarily anyone else. It can also mean you’re growing as a person and becoming more comfortable with your true self.

* Falling: Usually indicates that you’re thinking of letting something go or feeling overwhelmed by life situations.

Ms Kocian (left) believes dreams are vitally important to our overall health and mental well being because they ‘connect us with our innermost thoughts


Charcot-Wilbrand syndrome (CWS) is a condition which involves the loss of ability to dream due to focal and visual brain damage (usually after stroke) which destroys the capacity to recall images or memories. 

CWS is rare and affects only a select number of brain damage patients. 

Ms Kocian believes dreams are vitally important to our overall health and mental well being because they ‘connect us with our innermost thoughts’.

‘Dreams help us to express repressed emotions, work through trauma and promote mood regulation,’ she said.

‘Our dreams are alive. The more attention and nurturing we give them, the more they will reveal to us. 

‘Studies have found that people who experienced dream deprivation experienced signs of mental breakdown and clear psychotic episodes after just four nights without dreaming.’

People who experience brain damage related Charcot-Wilbrand syndrome lose their ability to dream.

Ms Kocian believes our dreams are subconscious representations of situations we are trying to avoid or things we fear in our daily lives (stock image)

Ms Kocian believes our dreams are subconscious representations of situations we are trying to avoid or things we fear in our daily lives. 

‘This is particularly the case with nightmares and recurring dreams,’ she said.

‘Our dreams emphasise and amplify our fears and anything we are trying to avoid in waking life in order to first provide us with awareness of these issues and then to help us deal with and work past them. 

‘Nightmares and recurring dreams will become more vivid and occur more frequently until we have either acknowledged or dealt with the waking issue. Dream therapy helps with resolving these issues by allowing us to work with dream protagonists to help move away from our ingrained habitual consciousness. 

‘We start to see and comprehend hidden details of familiar objects and characters in order to gain a new and unique perspective along with increased vitality in response to the waking issue.’   

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