WELCOME to Ask Chloe, the no-holds-barred advice column with Chloe Madeley.
Each week Chloe answers sex-and-relationships problems, offering unflinching advice on how to deal with everything from lacklustre sex to finding the perfect partner.
Q: Dear Chloe, My boyfriend wants me to have a boob job but I don't want to.
We've been together nine years and have two kids together.
We love each other loads and he used to find me really sexy. But he says since breastfeeding my boobs have got really saggy and he doesn’t like them as much.
My mates think it sounds really controlling and I shouldn't change my body for him, but I do want him to be happy. What do you think?
A: Your first sentence says it all…
If he wanted you to have a boob job and you were all for it, I'd say, 'Screw what your friends think, they're the controlling ones – your body, your choice.'
However, you said you don't want one, therefore you absolutely should NOT go through with it. Again: your body, YOUR choice.
It's pretty insensitive for your boyfriend to tell you that since breastfeeding your breasts 'have got really saggy'. In fact, it's just plain rude.
Your body and your breasts have given him two children, which is far more important than whether or not you have fake breasts.
You need to put your foot down on this one.
I'm sure my husband would LOVE it if I rolled up one day with new boobs, but he knows it's highly unlikely, so he stopped dropping hints a while ago.
Follow suit, and send him to me if he has a problem with it!
Again: your body, YOUR choice.
Q. I’m 68, have been married for 41 years and up until three years ago sex was at least twice a week.
I’m recently retired and my wife stopped working in 2017, but we’re still fit and able.
Things have gone downhill since I said I wanted a new mattress for our bed. She didn’t agree and suggested I get one for the single bed in the spare room if I was that bothered.
I did, so now I’ve been sleeping in there for a year and we only have sex one or twice a month.
That’s all it’s been since I retired, and it’s also only ever when the house is empty.
What can I do to get back to having sex once or twice a week?
A. First things first, sex once or twice a month in your 60s is not that bad. On paper, it’s probably a good amount for a lot of people of your age, but this is subjective because we all have different sex drives.
You want to have more sex, but you need to avoid saying it in that way to your wife.
Talking in that way won’t help sexualise her at all, you’ll make it sound clinical and put her off.
Instead, wait until the house is empty, buy an ice breaker like a bottle of wine, sit down and ask her to tell you, without shame or fear of judgement, one of her sexual fantasies.
Women need intimacy, men just want the sex – that’s the key difference and what you need to address.
Park what you want entirely and make it completely about her
Talking to her about what secretly turns her on will create an air of intimacy between you two.
There will be this trust that develops as she feels free and secure enough to share something so private with you. Once you’re there she will start to feel safe and like she wants to act it out.
This is when you need to indulge her – do what she wants, park what you want entirely and make it completely about her.
Things will spiral into sexual activity and in time you can share your fantasise – she’ll want to pay it back to you.
Read Chloe's previous advice, including help for someone who's bloke was jealous of their sex toy, here.
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