First, I empty my body of all its fluids. Then I get in the shower and do my hair with serum so it don’t look fuzzy and swish it about for a few minutes, pretending that I’m Julia Roberts.
Then there will be a knock on the door from my stylist, who will come in and tell me what to wear.
After that I’ll meet with my film crew, and they follow me around recording as I go about my business, shopping and whatnot.
My make-up artist stops me looking sweaty. I’m filming in America at the moment and it’s a lot warmer than the UK, so I’m constantly being patted down, otherwise I’d look wet on camera.
I love it out here, though, and I’ve got me factor 50. I enjoy confusing Americans because they can’t understand what I’m saying. They say “budder”, not “butter”, and “wadder”, not “water.” No one recognises me, which is great because it lets me play around the way I did before I was on telly.
John Travolta hasn’t replied to my messages. I tweeted him recently asking if he’d seen the Keith & Paddy Picture Show version of Grease and if he would like me to send him a copy.
He never got back. I have to check my phone a lot these days. I like to look up celebrities I know in real life on social media to see what they’re up to.
I messaged Kylie Minogue once inviting her on Celebrity Juice. She said she’d think about it, which is showbiz for “no f**king chance”.
Emma Bunton is my LA pal. She’s got her own parking space at ABC studios because she’s doing that Boy Band show. We hang out quite a lot.
When I finish filming I’ll meet her and we’ll go to eat something at The Belmont. The menu is like a full newspaper of options, but I always get the Cobb salad.
I might do a bit more filming in the evening or appear on a TV show, like The Price Is Right. Remember it? Apparently it’s still a big deal in America.
Things shut early in the US compared to England. After finishing work, I’ll probably meet the crew again and have dinner.
I’ve been with the same filming team for five years, so we know each other pretty well. We’ll either go somewhere really posh or end up at Barney’s Beanery, which is proper American.
It does all sorts, like Philly cheese steak sandwiches, tacos and waffles.
Bars and restaurants tend to close earlier in LA, so I usually get home for 11.30pm.
TV out here is really weird. They have the opening credits of a show then cut to an advert. It’s got to the point where I can’t watch TV because it keeps stopping and starting, so I bought a bunch of DVDs.
I fall asleep watching films from the ’80s, like Teen Wolf and Back To The Future. They gives me a lot of inspiration for my show with Paddy.
- Watch Keith Lemon: Coming In America, Thursdays, 10pm, ITV2.
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