So you want to learn how to grill a perfect burger, huh? Come forward, young grasshopper, and learn the ways of the Grillmaster.
What we are about to share with you is a sacred text that explains how to cook the perfect burger. This is not information that should be kept to oneself, but instead should be shared freely with all aspiring Grillmasters. Together, we will forge a new path towards spiritual and culinary enlightenment.
To start, only feed frozen beef patties to your enemies. They are an abomination that no true Grillmaster can or should accept. All true burgers are made from fresh, pure beef, with an 80:20 ratio of lean to fat meat, and ground finely so as to avoid unsavory gristle, bones, or skin.
If you are not able to grind beef yourself, do not despair. Your local butcher will be able to perform this task for you.
A perfect burger must consider all elements in harmony. The bun, patty, and toppings must all come together as one, greater than the sum of their parts. No element should overpower the other. A bun that is too large will make the first few bites a bread-filled disappointment. A patty that is too large will only provide bare meat as introduction. Too many or too few toppings can cause the tongue to fall asleep from boredom.
The patty should be slightly larger than the bun it will rest upon when it is made–say, around 10-15% larger. The patty should be made with a ring-mold and then refrigerated for 6 hours to ensure that it is ready for the flame. Toppings such as lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles should be sliced finely to ensure they can be layered evenly and that the burger does not topple once it is created.
A clean grill is a necessity. Your grill should be cleaned after every session. If it is not clean, you have brought shame upon your house and should hand in your apron.
Do not overcook the meat. On medium heat, a properly made 6-8 oz patty should only require 3-4 minutes per side to be cooked to a chef’s medium. Do not constantly flip the patty–only one flip is necessary.
Finally, the bun is just as important as the meat itself. The bun should be appropriately sized, able to be grasped in a single hand even once stuffed with meat and toppings, and should always be toasted. It must also be durable enough to withstand the rigors of the most enthusiastic burger connoisseur.
Sesame seeds are optional.
Take these words to heart and you too can become a Grillmaster. Now go, meditate on these words, and then light the sacred BBQ flame.
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