The ‘orgasm gap’ is a very real phenomenon and refers to women having fewer climaxes than men.
In fact, it’s the topic of conversation on Metro.co.uk’s podcast Smut Drop this week – and tends to affect heterosexual women the most.
Psychosexual therapist Kate Moyle explains that, interesting, when women find they can’t orgasm, a lot of it comes down to mental obstacles.
But knowing how to clear these mind blocks could be the secret to an incredible orgasm.
Kate explains a few things to think about below…
Get to know yourself
Kate says getting to know yourself first – and the reason you might be struggling to climax – is a key starting point.
‘Identifying what you think it is that might be blocking you is a really good thing,’ she explains.
Kate adds that while where there are some great sexual wellness products and apps out there, there’s often a narrative that orgasms ‘don’t happen’ for some people – and individuals should just accept that.
But this isn’t the case.
She continues: ‘That narrative has always been quite ingrained into our messaging around sex.
‘I think now we have a real push back against that.
‘A lot of people are left with this feeling that “I’m not normal, I’m broken, I’m the weird one, or I don’t fit or my desires don’t fit.”
‘Sex and shame are basically this really unhappy marriage – and instead of people thinking of sex that something that makes them feel good, they are left thinking it’s something that doesn’t make them feel good.’
She stresses it’s all about reframing our mental attitude to have a positive outlook on it, as well as knowing that orgasms can still happen.
Don’t fixate on penetration
The biggest sex myth, says Kate, is that sex has to involve penetration in order to achieve orgasm. And this is where we see the orgasm gap come in.
She says: ‘Even just how we phrase things: like language around sex – as “foreplay” indicates that it’s something that has to come before something else. It’s kind of like the starter to the main course.
‘But, actually, non-penetrative sex is how a lot of people – irrespective of gender, bodies or experience – enjoy themselves and get sexual pleasure.
‘However, we denote it in a way which makes it seem lesser. And that’s even just in the language that we use.’
The truth is, lots of people don’t orgasm through penetrative sex alone. So knowing this might help take the pressure off.
Try to let go
Kate adds that a fear of letting go is a massive one that can get in the way of an orgasm.
She adds: ‘This can be everything from feeling self-conscious, to worrying how we might look when we orgasm, fear of vulnerability, or that fear of letting go.
‘Psychologically, that can be quite a big thing for people.’
Kate adds that a lot of people are also really distracted by their thoughts. So trying not to overthink these things, while having sex, will help individuals be more in the moment.
‘Distraction is a massive inhibitor of both desire and arousal – and we live in a really, really distracting world,’ she adds.
‘I talk to a lot of people about this idea of “switching off to turn on” – but it’s really hard. I think we saw that massively with Covid – when people had no-context shift.
‘They were in their bedrooms: working, parenting, and coupling, all in the same space. And then they were expected just to “switch on” from one setting into another.’
The more you try and rid yourself of worry and distraction, the more you can truly focus on the moment – and, more importantly, enjoy it.
You can listen to this week’s Smut Drop episode with Kate Moyle here.
Smut Drop is a weekly podcast with host Miranda Kane from Metro.co.uk, touching on sex, dating and relationships.
With no holds barred, it’s the home of sex positive chat, where Miranda will be joined each week by sexperts and special guests to explore the world of the erotic.
And we want to hear from you, too! As part of our podcast we’ll be sharing listeners’ experiences, thoughts and questions on a different theme every week.
So if you want to be involved in something brilliant – either anonymously or using your bold and beautiful name – drop us an email to [email protected] or slide into our DMs on Twitter @smutdrop.
With new episodes dropping every Wednesday, you can download Smut Drop from all your usual places.
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