‘He’ll believe that rubbing walnuts on your head is as effective as a vaccination – so why do we get sucked in by spiritual f*ckboys?’

With over 120k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

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The Spiritual F*ckboy is rife.

If you follow me on Instagram, you will have seen me discuss the spiritual f*ckboy before. Not all men are f*ckboys, obviously, but we need to keep our eyes out for the ones who are.

They tend to come in a few distinct categories and the spiritual f*ckboy is one of them. Spiritual f*ckboys can be hard to spot because they present as someone who is zen, in touch with the universe, and just generally woke and right on, but that is all a façade.

My friend Kara once fell for a spiritual f*ckboy. She met him on Tinder, he was a session musician who played for big artists touring around the world whilst smoking a lot of weed.

He would go on tour and then call her from the airport saying “Hey, just landed and the universe is telling me to call you. Let’s hang tonight”.

He would arrive at 2am get high, have sex, then stay for a couple of days. His reason to leave was always that he needed to go home to be in a creative space as he needed musical inspiration. He called her his muse.

He believed that his music was important because he had the energy of some really famous men that had died, and he thought that he was on this earth to keep their musical message alive.

Kara fell head over heels for this plonker (it’s easy to get wrapped up in the madness and not realise how insane it is until you wake up from the lust) and she told him that she loved him – twice – both times he replied “Aww, I’m so flattered.”

He said that he didn’t need to tell anyone that he loved them because his presence should tell them that. He told her that he wasn’t meant to be in a relationship because the universe didn’t want that for him. He was here for higher things.

He reeled her in with his spiritual f*ckboy lyrics, often telling her that nobody has an energy like her, and no one was as loyal to him as her.

Then he would send her beats to listen to saying that nobody shared his musical energy like she did – he then asked her to do additional research on the tracks he sent and had her do actual work for him for free, he would say “It needs a bit of Kara on it to make it complete.”

Needless to say, they didn’t last.

A spiritual f*ckboy’s dating app profile will probably have pictures of him doing the lotus pose at a retreat in Ibiza. He will post at least a paragraph in his bio about being vegan and he will mention that he has recently returned from a year long trip in Goa where he went to cleanse his aura and learn to be a masseuse.

He won’t believe in Covid or vaccinations, he says that carrying around a walnut and rubbing its oil on your temples 4 times a day will prevent all viruses.

Once you get talking to him, he will let you know that he has healing hands and that he would love to offer you a massage instead of taking you on a date, he doesn’t believe in dates because they restrict the natural flow of energies.


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He will tell you that the only way to truly know if you are compatible with someone is to take acid together. As the conversation progresses, he might try to coerce you into sending nudes by saying “Your body is beautiful. To be ashamed of capturing the art of your naked body is to conform to society's unnatural standards. We were born naked.”

The spiritual f*ckboy will usually be good in bed but he won’t believe in using condoms because he thinks they were created to restrict the spiritual awakening that occurs when two souls make love.

Spiritual f*ckboys are prone to not wanting to commit because they are free spirits who need to be able to roam to wherever (usually someone else’s bed) whenever they get a calling from the universe.

He will tell you that he is a free spirit and that he doesn’t want to submit to relationships that conform to capitalist structures. Spiritual f*ckboys are prone to ghosting for this reason. But they will often return for a no strings shag.

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If they give you a reason for ending things it will usually be because you have a bad energy. Spiritual f*ckboys are usually pretty narcissistic, they think that they operate on a higher plane to us mere mortals and that their level of consciousness is other worldly.

If you’ve been a yoga teacher for 20 years, they will mansplain true yoga to you based on their learning from a one-day course in Shoreditch.

They will place their needs and feelings above yours because they believe that their feelings are validated by the universe and higher powers are informing their behaviour and so they are more important.

It can feel really confusing when a spiritual guy turns out to be a spiritual f*ckboy because you expect better from people who claim to be all about love, light, and healing, but these guys will smash your chakras right out of alignment if you let them, so beware.

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