DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife and I have been having a great time over the past year or so, as I’ve watched her having sex with other men.
We’ve been married for seven years and have a four-year-old son. I am 34 and my wife is 31.
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I had been trying to persuade my wife to try “hotwifing” for a long time and was thrilled when she agreed.
We were sure it would not endanger our relationship.
We joined a swinging club where they cater for things like that. It was an amazing adventure and my wife seemed to have a brilliant time.
She felt liberated and revelled in the attention and power it gave her.
We were a loving couple before we got involved — and it seemed to bring us even closer together.
Then everything seemed to go pear-shaped. Our little boy had pneumonia and had to go into hospital.
He’s OK now but the worry seemed to make my wife withdraw into herself while it made me tense and snappy.
We haven’t had sex for weeks and I asked her what was wrong. At first she said I was getting her down being so irritable and she had just gone off sex.
When I asked if she was having regrets about the swinging she broke down, saying she feels disgusted at what she’s done and how she has betrayed herself and everything she believes in — particularly her marriage vows.
I pointed out it was consensual and that she had done nothing wrong, but she is adamant. I tried to talk about the future but she says we haven’t one.
I’d be devastated to lose my wife and son but I don’t know what to do.
She won’t have anything to do with me physically — not even a kiss. Everything has gone wrong and my life feels like it is falling apart.
UP to 50 per cent of women suffer from a loss of interest in sex, sometimes due to lack of know-how, or often because of issues in their relationship or their past.
Partners can struggle to know how to help. My e-leaflet How To Light Her Fire can help.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I wonder if your wife has told herself that your son’s frightening illness was punishment for you two pushing the boundaries. Thank goodness he is all right now.
Rather than trying to argue with your wife about whether what you did was right or wrong, agree with her that it is something you will avoid in future and, if it has distressed her, that in itself means it was a bad idea.
Swinging and swapping can seem like fun at first but often leads to problems in relationships.
Stop arguing with her and work on having good family times together and I think her talk of you not having a future will die away. Obviously it’s best for your little boy to have two loving parents in a stable home.
Try to warm up your physical relationship very gradually, not pushing for sex but giving her loving kisses and cuddles.
If your longing for “hotwifing” troubles you, my e-leaflet on Kinky Sex Worries can help.
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