RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: MI6 agents are being encouraged to confront their inherent ‘white privilege’… but I bet they’re not checking their spooks’ pronouns in the Kremlin
The most excruciating scene in any Bond movie — for a chap, at least — is when a stark naked Daniel Craig is strapped to a hollowed-out chair in Casino Royale while the villain Le Chiffre, played by Mads Mikkelsen, sets about his undercarriage with a knotted rope.
Craig came dangerously close to becoming the first gender-fluid 007 in cinema history. Fortunately, Bond escaped to Die Another Day with his dignity, and crown jewels, intact.
That was back in 2006. Today, tethering male MI6 agents to a chair and whacking their unmentionables is, metaphorically speaking, part of the HR playbook.
Stephen Lovegrove laid out the ground rules for today’s spies in a document leaked to the Daily Mail this week
They’re being encouraged to confront their inherent ‘white privilege’, according to Britain’s national security adviser, Stephen Lovegrove.
He may sound like a character from a Carry On film, but he’s charged with overseeing the operations of the Funny People at MI5, MI6 and GCHQ.
In a document leaked to the Daily Mail this week, and endorsed by the heads of all the so-called secret service departments, Mr Lovepants lays out the ground rules for today’s spies.
As Russian tanks roll into Ukraine, one of the most senior spooks charged with keeping us safe is more concerned with ensuring that his staff use the ‘correct pronouns’ at all times.
Under no circumstances should they ever utter the deeply offensive term ‘manpower’, with all its implicit sexist connotations.
Nor should they use problematic phallocentric terms such as ‘strong’ and ‘grip’ which can ‘reinforce dominant cultural patterns’.
Lovepants circulated this complete parcel of bolognese around Whitehall in the wake of the humiliating bottle job in Afghanistan.
Rather than addressing what has gone horribly wrong with the Defence of the Realm in recent years, he chose to focus upon fashionable ‘diversity’ fantasies.
As British troops were scuttling out of Kabul — sorry, Karble — and the drums of war were getting louder in the East, our risible ‘national security adviser’ was sounding the alert over ‘misgendering’.
Agents were warned against participating in ‘all-male’ panels, in the interests of ‘inclusion’.
National Security Adviser Stephen Lovegrove pictured in 2018. He previously worked at the Ministry of Defense
Yet in the same breath, Lovepants praises a female Muslim employee who refuses to shake hands with male colleagues because it offends her religious beliefs on modesty.
Beam me up, Scotty.
In case you missed it, bear with me. This intelligence-insulting drivel created by the alleged head of the intelligence services is entitled ‘Mission Critical’.
Geddit? You could get on the radio with stuff like that. Mission Critical? More like Mission Impossible. Your mission, Jim, should you choose to accept it, etc…
Stick this in a script in front of Tom Cruise and it would self-destruct in five seconds. Written in the usual HR-speak gobbledegook, this ludicrous ‘toolkit’ lays down the ground rules for spookery in the age of wokery.
Call me old-fashioned, but when I was growing up, toolkits were something carried by people who did a useful job, such as mechanics, plumbers and carpenters — not soft-handed, otherwise unemployable layabouts in aitch-arrrr.
In his foreword, Lovepants insists: ‘This toolkit is called Mission Critical because a diverse and inclusive culture is critical in succeeding in our national security missions.’
Some of this document is beyond parody. A young female civil servant at the Ministry of Defence moans that she felt ‘humiliated’ because as a ‘new girl’ she had to ‘earn her place in the team’.
Richard Littlejohn says: ‘No wonder Putin feels emboldened’. Pictured, the Russian president earlier this month
She has a point, I suppose. Last time anyone looked, most of the civil servants at the MoD were still ‘working from home’, which is why the Afghan evacuation was such a bugger’s muddle.
So it must be difficult to earn your place in the team if you’re sitting in your bedsit eating Hobnobs and watching Lorraine in your jimjams while pretending to be taking part in a Zoom meeting.
Apparently, ‘workplace culture’ failed her. Sorry, pet, we didn’t realise the Ministry of Defence had to be reorganised to suit you. Take the rest of the week off and have a nice lie down.
Play your cards right and you could be entitled to com-pen-say-shun.
Be honest, do you want the Ministry of Defence — Defence? — revolving around some dopey bird who complains that she is humiliated by having to ‘earn her place in the team’.
Tell that to the formidable breed of women who worked at Bletchley during World War II cracking the Enigma code.
When I used to drink in the Prince of Wales, in Highgate, North London, there was an old lady who sat quietly in the corner doing the crossword in the Evening Standard, sipping a small scotch and soda.
She was said to be the inspiration for Hilda Pierce, the MI5 stalwart in Foyle’s War. You can’t imagine her giving a flying fig about the inappropriate deployment of pronouns.
What would Hilda have made of the following Flowerpot Man gibberish?
Mr Lovepants says staff should ‘understand your unconscious bias’ and ‘be aware of intersectionality’.
They should ‘acknowledge their privilege’ and declare their pronouns in order to make transgender colleagues more comfortable.
For instance: ‘You can do this by adding your pronouns to your email signature or sharing them at the start of a slidepack.’
I give up.
If you ever wondered why the Civil Service couldn’t organise a booze-up in the proverbial, look no further.
The way you get on in Whitehall these days is spouting woke-speak straight out of the Left-wing Common Purpose Guardianista songbook.
Mr Lovepants is one of the worst offenders. A careerist opportunist, he was last heard of churning out Black Lives Matter propaganda when he was permanent secretary at, yes, the Ministry of Defence.
Pictured, the GCHQ in Gloucestershire. Richard Littlejohn writes of Lovegrove: ‘He may sound like a character from a Carry On film, but he’s charged with overseeing the operations of the Funny People at MI5, MI6 and GCHQ’
We’re not talking Sir Humphrey Appleby here.
Around the time BLM thugs were chucking missiles at the Old Bill and beating up a policewoman just yards from the front door of the MoD, Lovepants was slagging off his own department for being institutionally racist.
In the wake of the murder of George Floyd in Minnesota, he wrote to warn his staff: ‘Systemic racial inequality is not unique to America but also has deep roots within UK society, including Defence.’
What the hell had an admittedly horrible death 4,000 miles away got to do with a British civil service chief?
Absolutely nothing, apart from an onanistic urge to put himself in the movie — just like George Floyd’s new best friend Neil Basu at Scotland Yard.
Do the likes of Lovepants believe any of this nonsense?
Who knows. What we can be sure of is that they are sincerely committed to the advancement of their own careers.
Also, what we do now know is that this kind of woke grandstanding is a peacetime, ‘end-of-history’ self-indulgence which has no place in a grown-up world where war is once again the answer, at least as far as the madman Vlad the Impaler is concerned.
Does anyone seriously believe they’re checking their pronouns in the Kremlin?
No wonder Putin feels emboldened. The White House is currently occupied by a dribbling imbecile in adult diapers and the EU is a cowardly basket case, dependent on Russian gas.
The British military and security services are run by a navel-gazing clique, made up largely of ‘white privileged’ public-school-educated chancers, obsessed with emasculating our armed forces in pursuit of knighthoods and another 50-grand-a-year directorship.
A couple of weeks ago, the Chief of the General Staff told what’s left of the Army to take a day off to ‘reflect on inclusivity’.
Putin must be trembling in his snow-capped boots.
Someone should drag Mr Lovepants out of his comfort zone, strap him to a hollowed-out kitchen chair and go to work on his pronouns …
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