‘Love Island is nothing without Caroline Flack,’ says Ryan-Mark Parsons

I haven’t got the patience to watch Love Island.

The dimwits who take part seem to lack any brain functionality, whether it's the stuff they say or what they do to millions watching.

It’s unfathomable.

Here are my problems with the show.

Firstly, what sane person would entertain the opportunity of having sex on national TV? The idea of sharing those intimate moments with strangers whilst we’re gawping at our screens makes me feel queasy.

Glorified porn stars, right? I’d rather not.

Secondly, is anyone really looking for love? I’ve watched the clips where you meet the Love Island 2021 cast for the first time, and it seems most of the women are looking to become the next Molly-Mae and make millions from Pretty Little Thing.

For goodness sake, just admit you’re wanting to become Instagram famous and then maybe I’ll show you some respect.

They promiscuously flounce around the villa, making sure to get their best angles so Boohoo can sign them.

It’s so obvious! Please.

Thirdly, are these contestants fully aware of the backlash and level of media scrutiny they will receive off the back of the show? Love Island have had historic aftercare issues, namely three recent suicides connected to the programme and is enough being done to prevent another one? ITV released a statement suggesting the vetting process for new contestants has become more rigorous.

In fact, they released protocols outlining their duty of care to contestants, including “comprehensive psychological support” and “a proactive aftercare package which extends support to all islanders following their participation on the show”.

My question is, why has it taken three deaths for this to be put in place? Jeremy Kyle was axed following one suicide, so it’s clear bosses at ITV value the dollar more than the lives of the participants, otherwise this reality telly monstrosity would’ve got the chop too.

Finally, I miss Caroline Flack.

She was synonymous with the show, her wittiness, charisma, vivacity, and talent as a presenter made the show what it is. Without her, it doesn’t feel the same.

Laura Whitmore, the one who moaned about press intrusion, is a mediocre replacement and certainly doesn’t live up to the expectations set by Caroline before she left the show.

She’s left an incredible mark on British TV and we won’t forget her anytime soon.

When it comes to the 2021 contestants, there are a few that standout.

However, most of them are pretty dull, looks and personality-wise.

I feel the producers are trying too hard to cast ‘regular’ people, no jaw-dropping models or exceptionally attractive people — except Brad.

Compared to past seasons, they seem to be getting older and more nauseating.

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On a plus side, they’ve casted their first disabled contestant, Hugo, 24, an ex-PE teacher, which is a good step in the right direction for diversity on TV.

Nonetheless, nothing particularly interesting when it comes to his character.

Another blonde, white male, beer-drinking, football hooligan-type person.

Yawn.

Chloe, 25, is an irritant.

I could tell from her audition tape.

Apparently, men with partners, in her eyes, aren’t “off limits”.

The vulgarity doesn’t stop there, another imp called Kaz, 28, who wants a guy “to rail [her]”.

Pass the ear plugs! Why are they so blatant about this sexual stuff, it’s incredibly tacky and I’d quite frankly be embarrassed to have any connection to these people, whether a friend or family member.

When it comes to the ‘lads’, Brad, 26, has admitted he’s not a “top shagger” (to my surprise) and last had sex in 2019.

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I know the producers are asking these questions, but I’d tell them to head to where the sun doesn’t shine if they dared to pose that question to me.

It’s gross!

Jake, 24, is cute.

He shared his naughty biscuit habit, claiming he goes through “4-5 packets of biscuits per week”, which is a shock considering his monumental six-pack.

He’s one of the best from the men, and we’ll have to see how far he goes.

Look, it’s another series; it’s trash telly; you either love or hate it; but, you won’t be able to escape it.

Will I be watching? No.

Next!

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