{"id":187548,"date":"2023-10-01T02:15:21","date_gmt":"2023-10-01T02:15:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newsneednews.com\/?p=187548"},"modified":"2023-10-01T02:15:21","modified_gmt":"2023-10-01T02:15:21","slug":"how-to-stop-being-so-competitive-and-why-its-not-always-good-for-you-the-sun","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newsneednews.com\/lifestyle\/how-to-stop-being-so-competitive-and-why-its-not-always-good-for-you-the-sun\/","title":{"rendered":"How to stop being so competitive – and why it\u2019s not always good for you | The Sun"},"content":{"rendered":"
HOW many times have you scoffed at the phrase: \u201cIt\u2019s the taking part that counts?\u201d <\/p>\n
We\u2019re told winning isn\u2019t everything, but for many of us, the idea of not winning \u2013 whether at work, at the school gates, playing games or on social media (64% of us compare ourselves with friends and family online, as well as celebrities and influencers*) \u2013 is appalling and to be avoided at all costs.\u00a0<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cA bit of competitiveness can be positive, because it can drive you forwards, fuel ambition and help you be the best you can be,\u201d says Dee Holmes, counsellor and clinical services manager at Relate. <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd it can be fun if you want to win something but won\u2019t be devastated if you don\u2019t.\u201d <\/p>\n
However, if you do feel devastated and unable to take a loss graciously, you may be taking competing too far, affecting your relationships, your ability to enjoy activities and get on at work. <\/p>\n
So here\u2019s how to keep a lid on your competitive nature\u2026\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Model Good Behaviour Early On<\/h2>\n
Competitiveness usually starts young. <\/p>\n
\u201cParents can have a lot to answer for,\u201d says Dee. <\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes family members are pitched against each other. <\/p>\n
\u201cThe measure of success is winning and if you don\u2019t succeed, you don\u2019t win, and that may be the way you gained approval or felt your parents thought you had done well.\u201d<\/p>\n
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Often, it\u2019s done with the best of intentions. <\/p>\n
\u201cParents will encourage children \u2013 they want them to do well at school, in games, and to succeed. They don\u2019t want them to walk away from things. But on some level, they\u2019re saying: \u2018This isn\u2019t enjoyable or done until it\u2019s finished,\u2019\u201d explains Dee.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cInstead, parents need to think about how to build positive, constructive competition into children\u2019s lives, that will stand them in good stead, so that they will want to achieve, do well and won\u2019t be lazy, but that they can also cope with setbacks and disappointment.\u201d<\/p>\n
One way to do this is to make sure you don\u2019t always let kids win at games. <\/p>\n
\u201cOtherwise they won\u2019t be able to deal with not winning,\u201d says Dee.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd try to model good behaviour yourself. <\/p>\n
\u201cSo if they beat you, be pleased for them!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
Beware The \u2018Proud Parent\u2019 Trap<\/h2>\n
It\u2019s important to respect your child as a person in their own right.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen parents compete with other parents, there\u2019s an implication that: \u2018My child is walking early because I\u2019m such a good mother,\u2019 when actually, your child is walking early because physically that\u2019s the way they\u2019re built,\u201d says Dee. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s good to be proud of those milestones, but be mindful of how you share that with people who may be anxious about their child not walking yet, or if their child is struggling with something.\u201d<\/p>\n
Enjoy The Moment\u00a0<\/h2>\n
You may need to drag your focus back to the process, rather than crossing the finish line in a blaze of glory. <\/p>\n
\u201cEvery morning I swim for half an hour and I often find myself looking at the clock, thinking: \u2018I\u2019ve still got so many lengths to go!\u2019\u201d says Dee. <\/p>\n
\u201cBut then I check myself and instead try to think: \u2018Stop focusing on ticking swimming off your to-do list and actually enjoy the swim itself.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
She recommends trying to be more mindful in the moment whatever you are doing. <\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019re playing a board game, pause, look around and think: \u2018I\u2019m sitting here with family and friends, enjoying Monopoly and a glass of wine and actually it\u2019s fun \u2013 it\u2019s not about me winning.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Consider Why You\u2019re Competing<\/h2>\n
Think about what exactly you are competing against. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re very good at looking at the negatives, but even if you did swim slower than yesterday, you\u2019ve still done 20 lengths, which is better than if you\u2019d stayed in bed!\u201d says Dee. <\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you being so hard on yourself? <\/p>\n
\u201cYou can get stuck in a cycle of achieving, achieving, achieving. <\/p>\n
\u201cBut there is a bigger picture. <\/p>\n
\u201cYour morning exercise is a small part of your day \u2013 and you did it, so focus on that rather than thinking: \u2018I didn\u2019t do as well as I\u2019d hoped.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Treat Social Media With Caution<\/h2>\n
While many people do now put the good and bad on social media, such platforms can still make you feel like you and your life are lacking. <\/p>\n
Remember that what you see online is only a tiny snapshot. <\/p>\n
\u201cWhen people are showing their kids or their perfect house, part of me thinks: \u2018Well, you\u2019re on social media right now, you\u2019re not reading to your child or playing with them!\u2019\u201d says Dee. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe need to live our lives, not live our lives for social media, and if people are doing that, they\u2019re probably not living their best life.\u201d<\/p>\n
She recommends unfollowing people with lifestyles that are massively out of reach. <\/p>\n
\u201cBut if it\u2019s your friends and family you\u2019re looking at enviously, remember they may have a lovely house, but they probably also have a mortgage they\u2019re worried about,\u201d she adds. <\/p>\n
\u201cThere is always a downside to an upside.\u201d<\/p>\n
Know Your Limits\u00a0<\/h2>\n
Ever been told you could do anything if you \u201cjust put your mind to it\u201d? <\/p>\n
Unfortunately, even if there was total equality and you were as competitive as humanly possible, we still couldn\u2019t all be astronauts or pop stars. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe have to accept there are lots of things we can do, but that we do have limitations,\u201d says Dee. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re not all going to become Prime Minister. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou need to think about what it is you want to achieve. <\/p>\n
\u201cFocus on that, be realistic about it and be aware of what the consequences might be. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t have it all, so if you decide you want to run a marathon, for example, you\u2019ll have to get up at 5am every morning to train and miss out on other things.\u201d<\/p>\n
Understand The Cost\u00a0<\/h2>\n
If you do push yourself in one area of your life, Dee says you have to be aware of the cost to other areas. <\/p>\n
Weigh up how much it will matter to you in the future, as well as now.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou hear people say: \u2018I don\u2019t have time for a relationship because I\u2019m focusing on my career.\u2019 <\/p>\n
\u201cThat may be a sensible choice at the time, but in 15 years, they may feel they\u2019ve missed the opportunity to have a family, for instance,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s about balance. <\/p>\n
\u201cBeing too competitive can also make you unpopular, because it can bring out a ruthless side, and if you are a sore loser, people may not want to be with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ask For Feedback At Work\u00a0<\/h2>\n
Being competitive at work can take you far, but you also have to accept that things won\u2019t always go your way. <\/p>\n
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\u201cIf you feel that a colleague got a promotion over you that they didn\u2019t deserve, for example, it\u2019s important to ask your interviewing panel for constructive feedback on where things went wrong and what to do next time,\u201d says Dee. <\/p>\n
\u201cIf you feel dissatisfied, it\u2019s a chance to take stock and think: \u2018Why am I feeling like this? What can I do to feel differently? How can I move forward?\u2019 View it as a learning opportunity.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
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